


Your Own Man

by Shareece (kimbob)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boundaries, F/M, Falling In Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimbob/pseuds/Shareece
Summary: When Jaime and the remainder of his men arrived in the North, Brienne avoided him for nearly a fortnight.





	Your Own Man

When Jaime and the remainder of his men arrived in the North, Brienne avoided him for nearly a fortnight. He tried to seek her out, gain her attention, but his attempts have not been successful. She is surrounded by other Northmen, training, teaching Northern ladies how to defend themselves. He would find it humorous to him how physically close he is to her yet he cannot get a moment alone with her, but he does not. In the end, he formally requested an audience with her, something he knew she would not refuse.

He sighed as he rubbed absently at his stump, the ache he’d felt increasing tenfold since arriving in the North. He glanced over his shoulder as someone knocked on his door. “Enter. Bronn, I’ve never known you to—“ He trailed off as he turned.

Jaime’s words caught in his throat as he turned and caught sight of Brienne. It was as though the image he held in his mind had perfectly projected itself in front of him. This could be a dream; another hallucination. This could be the moment he has finally given into madness. “Brienne?” he murmured.

She stood tall, her hand rested on the pummel of her sword as she returned his gaze. “Ser Jaime,” she said curtly, “You have requested to see me?”

The torch light had illuminated her form and Jaime once again quickly took in the changes in her. Her hair has grown longer, nearly touching her chin. She stood as tall as she always did, the blue of her eyes even more beautiful than his mind imagined them to be. “You’re still so formal, Lady Brienne, even as you stand there wearing the amour and holding the sword I gave you.”

She doesn’t respond to this, merely blinked and dropped her hand to her side.

He sighed and moved, pausing as she backed away. He frowned. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

She blinked again. “I have been busy, Ser. We are in the middle of a war.” She shifted, her eyes flashing with wariness. “Is there something you need from me?”

Was there something he wanted from her? Yes, was the short answer. He had worked this moment over in his head, but now all the things he wanted to say to her were lost to him. “I thought to merely see a familiar face.” He murmured, feeling, so suddenly, alone and tired.

Again, she said nothing.

They both stood silently staring at each other. The sounds of other soldiers can be heard outside, preparing for the next impending attack. “You look at me differently now.” He said suddenly and she frowned at him. “The last time we saw each other, when you waved at me from that boat, your eyes held a certain warmth. But now, you look at me as you did when we first encountered one another.”

Brienne looked down at this, her hand going back toward her sword. “There are—rumors.”

“Rumors?” He repeated. “You know how I love those.” He stepped closer when she said nothing. “Which rumors, exactly, My Lady?”

“The battle at High Garden. Lady Oleana—“ She trailed off, still looking down.

Ahh, Yes. Jaime thought. He saw no reason to lie to her. “I poisoned her.” He admitted simply, watching as Brienne’s head shot up, her expression shocked.

“Why?” She asked quietly.

“It was war.” He said quietly before shaking his head. “No,” he said. “That’s a lie. “

Brienne frowned at him. “Then what was it?”

Jaime was quiet for a long moment before, gathering his thoughts before answering. “It was Love. An awful terrible love. The kind of love that tears you in two; drives you to madness. I thought if I could get rid of her enemies then she would be fine. The madness in her eyes would fade away, she would be satisfied, and she could rule—“ He could feel himself on the edge of hysterics. “I thought I could fix it, but she grew even more mad. It was never enough— In the end, I begged and pleaded for her to surrender, but she would not heed me. Instead, she wanted me to do something monstrous—something unspeakable. I could not. Not anymore. I knew what I had to do.” Jaime could still feel his fingers wrapped around her thin neck as he squeezed the life from her. “As it was happening, all I could think was how was it that I ended up in the grips of another mad ruler?”

Brienne watched him with horror in her eyes, but Jaime continued his confession.

“I thought I would die if she ever died; my other half.” Absurdly, he remembered thinking, waiting for the moment he would crumble to ash, but he didn’t. He stood over her prone body, heart pounding, breathing; alive. The guilt that followed nearly bowled him over. He fell to his knees, crying like a new born babe.

Everything had happened so fast afterward. The long night had begun and he found himself bending to the knee to another Targaryen, pleading to ride North. The need to be as far away from King’s Landing nearly overwhelming him.

He watched Brienne quietly, wondering what it was she was thinking. “It seems we have come full circle, Brienne. Here I am, confessing my darkest secrets to you once more.” She still hadn’t said a word and Jaime could feel his desperation increase. He needed to know her thoughts; her judgement. “Please,” he said quietly, “say something? anything.”

Brienne shook her head, her blue eyes sad. “What would you have me say, Ser?”

He moved closer, his eyes full of desperation. “Do you still think me Honorable? A good man?”

Brienne sighed heavily. “I know not what to think.” She shook her head, suddenly tired. “It doesn’t matter what I think Jaime.”

He scoffed at this. “It matters.” He said fiercely. He needed her to say the words. He needed to hear them. “It matters, Brienne.” He gently grasped her arm in his hand, feeling hurt when she flinched from his touch. “Do you not know how your words have stirred me so?” He added desperately. “Made me stand taller?” She saw the goodness in him. She saw the honorable side of him. She believed he was an honorable man and she told him so. ‘Please’, his mind pleaded as he waited for her response with baited breath. ‘Please steady me.’

Brienne gently removed his hand from her arm, her eyes holding the same sureness as when she vowed to find Lady Sansa for him. “I cannot be that for you Jaime. I will not.” Tears sprang to her eyes as she continued quietly. “I am not your conscience nor your moral compass. You are your own man, Ser Jaime. It’s time you nurture those things on your own.” With that, Brienne turned and left him alone.

Jaime stared at the closed door, eyes wide. ‘Gods, no.’ He thought to himself.

88

_I cannot be that for you Jaime. I will not._

Jaime let the words wash over him as he went about his nights. The war raged on and each battle he survived, he is filled with relief when he finds Brienne has done the same.

_I am not your conscience, nor your moral compass._

What had she meant by that? He thought to himself as he goes about his rounds, checking in on his men before settling down in his chambers alone. He let her words come again, letting the impact of her rejection wash through him once more. He sighed heavily as he let his thoughts wander further.

Most of his life choices were made because of Cersei. All to the pleasure of her; her happiness. He always told himself that pleasing her brought him pleasure and it did, for a time. He was selfishly blinded to any sense of care when it came to Cersei. Purposely blinded to her monstrous ways.

_I cannot be that for you Jaime, I will not._

Brienne. It was after killing Cersei that he let his mind wander to the tall giantess. The carefully concealed box labeled Brienne he had placed in the inner recesses in his mind flew open, revealing a myriad of emotions for the younger woman. The moment she called him Ser Jaime all those years ago, his whole world had Irrevocably changed. She had thought him to be honorable; good. Brienne who had more honor and good in her thumb than everyone in Westeros combined. He could feel nothing but fear, forcing his mind away from the unfamiliar feelings he felt rising for Brienne. He sees now, that did not serve him well. He snorted to himself with a shake of his head as he let his thoughts go even deeper. Brienne was all he could think of as he made his way North. She was his driving force; thoughts of her were what made him want to go on.

_I will not._

He closed his eyes. Gods, she was—he thought of the myriad of emotions, which had become all too clear to him the moment he laid eyes on her. Brienne steadied him; calmed him. There was no awful desperation when he thought of her. Gods, he loved her. Jaime let the feeling spread through him, closing his eyes from the warmth that filled him. When he opened his eyes again, tears spilled over and slipped down his cheeks.

88

A full moon passed by before Jaime broke his rule of leaving Brienne to her life. He watched her surreptitiously from across the hall, working up the courage to talk to her like some green squire. He took a deep breath and moved toward her, ignoring the stares of the other men around him. He stopped at her elbow.

“May I sit, my lady?”

Startled, Brienne looked up from her cup of ale, her eyes wide. Jaime watched with slight amusement as she spluttered out a response.

“I can—go sit with my men if you prefer?”

“No.” She shook her head, glancing silently at Pod, who nodded his head and stood to leave the two of them alone. She waved her hand toward the empty seat Pod had just vacated.

Jaime sat gingerly, his knees still sore from falling from his horse earlier. “I’m beginning to feel my age.” He commented, glancing at her with a small smile. She suddenly seemed so interested in the contents of the ale she was drinking.

“You’ve improved with your left hand.” She commented after a drawn-out silence.

Jaime nodded pleased. She has been watching him and it took every ounce of restraint no to tease her about it. “All thanks to Bronn. Although I’m nowhere near my former glory. Thank you, Brienne.”

They were both quiet for a long moment and Jaime didn’t bother to hide the fact that he was openly staring at her. “You’ve grown.” He said softly and she looked at him, her expression wary. “Something is different about you—you’re less unsure. More confident. You’ve found your place in the world.”

She shrugged slightly, still looking embarrassed. “I suppose I have.” She glanced about the hall, noting the other soldiers, all from different houses, some were once enemies, now all fighting for the same cause. “As most have.”

“Not quite.” Jaime corrected quietly and she looked at him, her expression holding a softness he had missed. “Apologies for our last meeting. I had no right to corner you—to –I merely—“ He trailed off in frustration. When did he become so inept at speaking?

Brienne saved him from his useless blubbering. “I was cold to you.” She cut in quietly. “I apologize for that.”

Jaime nodded. “You were right Brienne. I must be my own man. I can be my own conscience.” He understands this now. He continued to watch her, seeing her deep in the thoughts he hoped she shared with him.

“I can’t begin to understand all that went on with your sister or the decisions you’ve made in her name—I don’t agree with any of it, but I’m sorry you had to do the hard thing, Ser.”

Jaime’s hand tightened on his cup of ale as he stared at her. He drew a breath, but said nothing because his sister was dead by his own hand and Brienne said she was sorry for it which was both absurd and wonderful. How can someone be so kind? He wondered. He used to think her kindness a weakness, but the truth of it was he was the weak one. He swallowed and tried to speak, but found he could not.

She sighed heavily, her expression turning suddenly shy. “This world could end at any moment—You don’t have to go at it alone, Jaime.”

Jaime’s expression turned hopeful. “How do you mean, my lady?” He watched as her face slowly began to flush. “Brienne?” He urged when she didn’t answer right away.

She sighed heavily, her face turning an even more interesting shade of red. “I only mean to say—you are a—friend to me Ser.”

Jaime’s hopeful smile froze on his face. “Yes.” He heard himself say. “Yes of course, you’re a friend to me as well Brienne.” The words stung him as he said them, even when she gave him a small pleased smile.

The battle horn suddenly sounded and they both quickly stood.

Jaime grasped Brienne’s hand before she could go, smiling grimly as she looked on in astonishment. “Don’t die, my lady. I wish to know more of you.”

She nodded once and squeezed his hand.

88

Battle won, Jaime stood in the middle of the carnage, his chest heaving and heart pounding. The battle had been fierce and they had lost many more men, but it was a battle won. He glanced around his surroundings as the fires began to burn; he spotted Brienne in the distance, standing tall and alive. He moved toward her, letting the adrenaline still coursing through his veins propel his courage. “My lady!” he called, to catch her attention. He watched as she turned, her eyes lighting with relief and happiness at seeing him alive. Uncaring of their surroundings, he grasped her hand and pulled her closer.

“Jaime?” she stuttered, unsure when he kissed her hand before reaching up and kissing her mouth.

She could pull away and flay him alive; the possibility was quite high, but she did not. Instead, she steadied her hands onto his shoulders and let him kiss her. It ended just as quickly as it began and she eyed him with a mixture of awe and confusion. “Apologies.” He said softly. “For being so forward.”

Brienne swallowed, glancing around with slight panic, but no one seemed to be watching and no one seemed to care. She glanced down at her hand in his before looking back up at him, a question in her eyes. “Why?”

He smiled. “As you said, Brienne, the world could end tomorrow and I wish to know you better. I wish to be your friend; however, I wish for more.”

“More?” She whispered as though the word was a foreign one to her.

Jaime nodded, the concept foreign to him as well. He knew he loved her yes, but he could not yet say the words. “I wish to find my place in this world, my lady. Only, not alone.”

“You will.” She said with surety, squeezing the hand that held hers.

It will be only a few years later when she is giving birth to their first child with Jaime behind her that he knows he has truly found his place in the world.

END


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